


Oops! Hold Your Horses, Batman!

by chamsie



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, I completely forgot to tag anything, ao3 too cool, uhhh whatever you're imagining it's prob not what i wrote
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-17
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-10-06 21:05:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10344558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chamsie/pseuds/chamsie
Summary: Dick did not sign up for this.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I won’t lie: I got AO3 simply to post this (and to make my comments “official”). 
> 
> Um, I was a Batman, JL, and TT fan as a child, and only recently got reacquainted to all of these as an adult. No time or money to spend on comics yet, so there's no real place where this fits in continuity. If there's any funny characterization, I'd love to hear back from you! I've built voices mostly from other fanworks and the few animated DC films I've managed to get my hands on free and legally.

The unicorn loitering in the Batcave was gorgeous and ethereal. Unlike typical depictions of the mythical creature, its sleek coat was pure black as was the deadly sharp horn protruding out the center of its head. A majestic animal, it was larger than Dick was tall, with powerful muscles that flexed every minute movement. It was amazing. It was fantastic.

 

It was Batman.

 

“Okay, Z, I know you’re in the Bahamas with your dad right now, but don’t you have _any_ kind of advice?” Dick asked. His hair was mussed from the number of times he’d run his hands through it in frustration and a wild sheen in his eyes made him appear crazed.

 

After trying both Dr. Fate and Jonathan Blood (neither of whom had given him good advice - Fate told him to take photos before it was over and Blood straight up laughed for ten minutes before hanging up), he’d reluctantly turned to calling Zatanna. He hadn’t wanted to bother her while she was on a family vacation, but _Bruce_ was a _unicorn_ and he was running out of options.

 

“Yes, he looks healthy for a _unicorn_ \- it’s not like I know what an unhealthy unicorn looks like - no, he hasn’t been aggressive -yeah, okay, I’ll admit he’s gorgeous and -” Dick glanced over quickly. “Damian, get _away_ from Bruce _._ ”

 

Damian stood right in front of Bruce the Unicorn, eyes wide with awe. Dick had been herding him and his friend Superboy (Jon not Kon) away all morning, unsure if the spell was contagious or whether Bruce would feel inclined to use his horn when irritated. He was perhaps a tad over-cautious, but they still had no clue why Bruce was no longer human and while Bruce the Unicorn had been docile thus far, he was much harder to read than Bruce the Human. Dick could read a tight-lipped, flinty-eyed Bruce, he couldn’t read a tail-flicking, neighing one.

 

“You should listen to your brother,” Superboy commented. He sat on some stairs a few feet away from Damian, face carefully neutral. Dick wondered how he was so good natured when Bat-Cow stood close by, chewing on his cape, but he supposed Jon would be used to farm animals growing up in the country. Or maybe he was just used to Damian.

 

“Silence, Jon,” Damian declared. “Father would never harm me, and this is an opportune moment to study a rare and beautiful animal.” His words were emphatic, but their effect was completely ruined by Bruce the Unicorn leaning down to nibble at his hair.

 

“F-Father!”

 

Dick snorted and barely contained his laughter; Superboy had no qualms about laughing though and fell off the steps guffawing, tearing his cape in the process as Bat-Cow refused to let go and continued to chew on it.

 

“Father, that is - is disgusting! Cease this behaviour now!” Damian screeched looking so affronted that Dick snorted again and almost choked from how hard he was trying not to laugh.

 

“ _What happened?”_ Zatanna asked.

 

“N-nothing, Z,” Dick coughed. “Bruce just thought Damian’s hair was worth a taste.”

 

“ _Baby Bat’s face must’ve been priceless.”_

 

_“_ Oh man, it definitely was.” Dick replied with a smile. Another glance told him Dami knew what was being passed on the phone, and he gave the boy an apologetic shrug. “But back to Bruce. Isn’t there _anything_ we can do?”

 

Zatanna hummed. “ _Transformation into unicorn isn’t_ entirely _unheard of. I don’t know much to be honest, but if you take some photos of Bruce, I’ll show them to Dad. He might know something._ ”

 

Still not a solution, but it would at least give Dick a task. Bruce the Unicorn hadn’t unnerved him so much as the fact he couldn’t _do anything_ about it. The most he’d done for Bruce since his discovery by Alfred this morning was to feed the man-turned-mythical creature an apple.

 

“Thanks, Z. Sorry about interrupting your vacation. I appreciate the help.”

 

“ _It’s fine, Dick. Dad was going a bit stir-crazy anyway. This will be a good puzzle for us.”_ He heard a clack in the background and the sound of water. “ _Gotta go! Don’t forget to send those photos; grab some close ups of the horn and eyes.”_

 

_“_ Bye!” Dick answered, but Zatanna had already hung up. Heaving a sigh, he shut off his cell and set it down on the desk. Oh, Bruce. He was a _unicorn_. Dick felt on the edge of hysterical laughter, and not the good kind. The situation was so absurd. He absently massaged a temple with one hand, feeling a stress-induced headache coming on.

 

_Brrft._

 

Warm air gusted over his face and Dick jerked back full body in surprise. Bruce stood in front of him, shiny black tail swaying. He must have walked over when Dick was finishing up his phone call. How such a massive creature had made it halfway across the cave without Dick noticing was a mystery (Dick was Bat-trained, _c’mon_ ), but he supposed, in a weird roundabout way, that it made sense. Unicorn or not, this was the _Batman_.

 

Bruce nudged his hand, the one massaging his temple, and gave it a lick. Large blue eyes watched him, and Dick felt himself relax just a bit because that intense gaze was still the same, even if everything else was not. Right. Bruce was Bruce, whether that be man or unicorn.

 

“Are you comforting me?” Dick asked gently, reaching out to pet the humongous black nose in his face. Bruce’s pelt was so _silky._ “That’s sweet, Bruce, but you’re the unicorn here. Not me.”

 

Bruce’s reply was a soft whinny and another lick to his hand - which, ok, was pretty gross, but Bruce being openly considerate made up for it by a long shot. Dick wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth (and wasn’t _that_ a great pun).

 

“We’ll fix this,” Dick murmured. He stroked Bruce’s nose once again before grabbing his cell and swiping it to camera mode. “Now smile and hold still because I need to send photos to Zatanna.”

  
Bruce’s reply was to flick his tail sharply and then lick Dick’s phone.

**Author's Note:**

> The reason Damian didn’t follow Bruce over to Dick was because he decided to go laugh at Superboy and praise Bat-Cow. 
> 
> I was scrolling on tumblr and a BruDick prompt someone wrote inspired this (even though this definitely has NOTHING at all to do with the original prompt, which I have also forgotten). I threw in Rebirth's Jon Kent Superboy because I have a feeling he'll become a favourite once I get my hands on some comics.


End file.
